He Touched My Cigarette!
by TheLibertarianBrony
Summary: Darren Ross, a.k.a. the Courier, wakes up in the Canterlot Gardens with no idea how he got there. (originally posted on another site as part of a collaboration of one shots) Rates T for lanuage.


Darren stirred with a groan. He rolled over, his many weapons digging into his skin as he did so, causing him to groan some more. He slowly began to regain consciousness, noticing several things in the process. His head was pounding; it felt like one of the worst hangovers he had ever had, somewhere between the time he had tried to outdrink Cass and the time that he had woken up next to Veronica in a room at Gomorrah. He had never gotten an explanation for that. Still, he didn't recall having anything to drink last night to cause the pain.

The second thing he noticed was that he was most definitely not back in his suite at the Lucky 38 anymore. And Cass, the love of his life, was _not_ next to him with his arm wrapped around her. Darren distinctly remembered going to bed with her after a meal with the rest of their companions. But after that, nothing.

Next on his list of observation was that wherever he was appeared to be outside. He felt a cool breeze blowing, warm sunlight shining on his body, and his back resting on what felt like grass; a rarity outside of places like Zion. Lastly, he was fully armed and fully dressed despite being fairly certain that he had been pretty much naked when he went to bed.

As he began to awake more he heard what appeared to be voices. A _lot_ of voices. Darren's eyes shot open only for him to be blinded by a bright midday sun. With a cry of pain, he sat up and rubbed the irritated organs. The voices he'd been hearing gasped, causing him to move his hands away from his face to get a good look at whatever owned them. Through still-blurry eyes he noted a group of about twelve unusually short figures in some sort of armor. But since his eyes were still blurred, that was all he could make out. One of the figures stepped forward and spoke.

"Who and what are you?! Speak creature!" It continued to approach as it spoke, until it was in Darren's face.

"Ok, woah. Give me a minute here..." Darren placed one hand on what appeared to be the figure's chest and pushed it back about a foot. The other figures gasped when he did so and the one that had just spoken appeared outraged.

"How dare you touch me, you filthy _creature_?! Do you even know who I am?! I am _Prince_ Bluebl-" the figure was interrupted when Darren placed a single finger on its lips and shushed him.

"Ok, seriously, just _one_ minute. Ok?" Darren stood, stumbling a bit as he did, and rubbed his eyes again; his vision began to clear. He looked down and took note of the weapons he bore and the clothes he was wearing. He had his gold-plated 9 millimeter pistol, _Maria_, on his right hip and his favorite katana on his left. The sight before him was a strange one indeed. He was standing in what appeared to be a garden surrounded by tall green hedges. Standing before him were twelve small horses, creatures that he had only ever seen in books, wearing golden armor. But there was something strange about them. Darren took a closer look and realized that several of them appeared to have wings, while still others, including the one in front of him, had horns in the middle of their foreheads. He looked behind them to a gap in the hedges and through that gap, he saw only more hedges.

"Woah. Trippy..." Darren knew he had to be drunk; there were no horses in the Mojave. Well, only one thing for it. Darren reached into a pocket and pulled out a canteen with a large number thirteen printed on it. He used to keep extra water in it, but after spending so much time with Cass he had started filling it with whiskey instead. He uncapped it and prepared to take a drink when the lead horse with a horn spoke up again.

"Excuse me! I asked you a question! I am Prince Blueblood and I will not be ignored!"

Darren looked back down at the horned horse, which was only about three or four feet tall, and looked it over briefly. Its fur was pure white and its mane and tail were blonde. He appeared to be very well groomed. From the way he was holding himself as he stood there, he appeared pompous and spoiled. Darren looked from the horse to the canteen in his hand and back to the horse.

He held the canteen out to the horse, "I'm sorry, did you want some?"

Blueblood swatted the canteen away, causing it to fly out of Darren's hand and into the bushes. Darren cried out sharply and clutched his hand for a moment.

"Hey ,watch it with the hooves buddy, that hurt! And that was my favorite canteen!"

"I asked you a question creature!" Blueblood shouted. "_Two_ actually! Who are you?! And _what_ are you?!" Blueblood's face flushed red and he was shaking with rage.

"Darren Ross," the human said with a groan, "I'm a courier. Why do you ask?" As he spoke, he reached into another pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. He picked a cigarette and put the rest away. He was about to light it when he found a hoof swatting both objects out of his hand, where they followed his canteen into the bushes.

"Ok, now that's just getting annoying..." Darren mumbled grimly..

"Not your occupation, you fool, your species! What are you?!" Blueblood shouted once more.

"I. Am. A. Human!" Darren shouted back, "Are you happy now? Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go pick up my canteen and lighter." He began to move in the direction that the objects had flown in, but found that Blueblood had once again moved in front of him. The pony placed a hoof on his chest.

"I did not give you permission to do that, _creature_!" Blueblood scoffed forcefully. Before he could continue his commands, Darren grabbed the hoof and twisted it sharply, causing the pony to cry out in pain. He shoved Blueblood toward the other horses.

As Blueblood collapsed before the others Darren said, "I don't need _anyone's_ permission to do _anything_."

Blueblood's response was to shout, "Guards, seize him!" He scrambled to his hooves and darted toward Darren. In a flash, the golden gun was in the human's hand.

He fired off two shots, one into either of Blueblood's kneecaps. The snob cried in agony and crumpled to the ground, his guards grinding to a halt and surrounding him, eyeing Darren's weapon suspiciously.

"That," Darren grunted, "was for touching my canteen and my cigarette!" Suddenly the gun was encased in a bright yellow aura and ripped from his hand. When it was safely away from him, several of the guards broke away from the rest and resumed their charge against the outsider.

Darren drew his katana and shouted, "Bring it on!" With one final growl, he leapt into the fray. The first of the horses to reach him quickly spun and bucked at him, but he dodged and delivered a powerful kick to the horse's stomach, sending it to the ground, winded. The next horse lunged at him with its horn, but Darren parried with his blade before punching it in the jaw. As it went down, a pair of horses lept over it, each spreading a pair of wings and flying at his face. He ducked and swatted one over the head with the flat of his blade, causing it to collide with its companion.

Darren continued this chaotic dance with the final three horses until all of them lay sprawled on the ground in pain or unconsciousness. He amazingly hadn't killed a single one. He turned back to the ones that were left conscious..

"Flee! Flee for your lives," he shouted. "Flee and take that fool with you! Go before I turn you into glue and use you to put together a really bad arts and crafts project!" He started a run at them, waving his sword for good measure. One of them tossed Blueblood onto its back and hurried from the human's terrifying presence.

Darren followed them through the gap in the hedges, finding himself in a passageway lined on both sides by _even more_ hedges. He looked right to see the horse fleeing with Blueblood. He followed after them, hoping that the fleeing creatures would lead him back to some sort of camp or base where he could find someone more intelligent to negotiate with.

He followed them through several twists and turns in the hedges until he ended up in an open area beyond the shrubbery. Standing there, in the open area filled with statues, were about fifty more of the guard horses. They closed ranks around their fleeing comrades and glared at the human menacingly. One of the first things that Darren noticed besides the ponies was the gigantic castle rising up behind them. The second thing he noticed were the two horses leading them. They were both about twice as tall as the others and had both wings and a horn. One was snowy white with, of all things, a flowing rainbow colored mane and tale. The other was dark blue with a dark mane that seemed to have stars in it. They stepped forward to meet Darren.

"What is the meaning of this?" the white one asked. "You trespass in our garden and assault _my_ soldiers! Why have you done this?"

"Well?" the darker one joined in. "What do you have to say for yourself"

Darren was dumbfounded.

"Well I just-! I don't even-! But he-! And I-!" Darren struggled to find the right words. "He touched my cigarette!"

Five hours later, Darren was struggling to pick the lock on a cell door as a nearby guard snored.

"Fuckin' horses..."


End file.
